Are you a mother??

I would be lying if I said I have enjoyed being a mother from day one. I would be lying if I said that I was born to be a mother. The truth is until little C was born I wasn't too sure I was a mother. What I mean to say is I was performing correctly as a mother and I was doing everything a mother should be doing but somehow the role didn't feel like it was me. I felt like I had lost myself in all the sacrifices I had to make and I had yet to reach the sense of fulfilment that I thought a mother should have.

Don't get me wrong. I love my daughter very much.  Its just that I didn't feel like I was Cheryl. Cheryl the mother? It just didn't feel right. So I plodded along doing the best I could but yet at the same time not knowing who this new person really was. People complain about the physical changes that a women has to come to terms with after giving birth but the emotional upheaval is the one that matters the most. It was a very guilty feeling that I was carrying around on my shoulders. I suspect that most women go through the phase but few talk about it. Its as if its taboo or something to be ashamed about. I wish women's magazines would talk about issues like these instead of focusing on 'losing the baby weight' as though that is the most important post baby subject to talk about. Some women take longer than others to really 'feel' like a mom while some were really born into the role. I took longer. 2 years long.

To be honest I felt like an imposter. I knew how to be a mom. I could dish out very good advice and words of wisdom but I could not believe that no one could see through me and realise that I really didn't think I was a mother. Secretly I was really afraid that this was how I was going to feel all my life. But when little C was born, that feeling dissipated. Suddenly I felt like I understood my role as a mother. I had come full circle into acceptance that I am a MOTHER. It finally felt right. It's amazing just how empowering that realisation/acceptance was.

I now know what it means to be in love with your children and each day I am discovering new things about the side of me that is Cheryl the mother. If you are going through the same thing I did, I must say I do not know what triggered the change. I do not have a solution to the problem except words of encouragement that you are not alone in feeling this way. It happened to me and I suspect it happens to plenty of other women as well. Take heart that this could pass and if it doesn't, seek help and talk to someone about it. Getting the guilt off your shoulders is a big thing. There is no need to look like you have it all together all the time and there is no shame in talking about it. This is why I have decided to put this down in my blog. It may help someone to read this just as it is helping me to 'pen' it down.

Perhaps one day us womenfolk can feel less pressured to look like the perfect woman with the perfect house and the perfect children plus a perfect body to speak out and support each other. Why should we set such ridiculous expectations of ourselves and of other women? The most critical judge of women is woman herself. Let's change that and lets start with ourselves.

The Age Old Question

Mommy: Little A, how old are you now?
Little A: 2 months
Mommy:(Laughing) You are not 2 months! Little C is 2 months. One more time, how old are you now? Say 2 years old.
Little A: 2 old!
Mommy: 2 years old Little A. Repeat after mommy...
Little A: 2 old!

Little A turns 2!

My oldest turned 2 this week. She has been the loveliest child to care for - smart, funny, obedient and sweet. Happy Birthday Little A!

This was her birthday cake. She has loved Pooh Bear and his friends for the longest time. She loves the story books and she loves the cartoons. I premade the figurines for her cake 3 weeks before actually making the cake for her birthday and as you would have it, she switched her obsession to Minnie Mouse the week before her birthday party. I decided that if she still loved Minnie by the time she turns 3, she shall have a Minnie cake then.

Development: 8 weeks

This week has been a little tough with the little man. He was a really good sleeper up till now. I think it's wonder week for him. It's too early to be teething and he seems to be getting enough milk so it must be a learning leap that is causing his change in behavior.

I just spent every hour of the last two nights getting up, rocking him, putting him back down and then having to repeat the same sequence again within 30 minutes or so. It was a really tiring night. The days have not been any better with him constantly waking and not sleeping as much.

I googled wonder week and read that the best way to deal with it is to give him as much comforting as I can. It can supposedly last up to a week. It doesn't help that the entire household is down with colds and sore throats thanks to Little A bringing home the virus with her from day care. I have been constantly watching out for the little man hoping that he won't catch it too. Winter hasn't helped in the slightest with the onset of dry noses even though the humidifier has been going nearly all day.

This too shall pass. I just need sleep!

Conversations with a nearly 2 year old.

It's a wonderful time when your toddler starts stringing 2 to 3 words together in her conversations with you. It was a sudden jump for little A who only a month ago was still using only single words to express herself. Here's a little bit of what our conversations are like now.

Me: Mommy will be going shopping later today.
Little A: Nana, mommy.
Me: You want mommy to get some bananas?
Little A: Yes, mommy. Pear.
Me: Pear? Ok.. We will get some pear.
Little A: Apple mommy.
Me: (just to humor her request) Ok apple too.
Little A: Orange too mommy.
Me: (surprised that she picked up on the use of the word too) You want oranges too? Oh alright.

We often walk the shops at the mall closest to our home and we call it Woden after the township it is in. One day I was having a chat with her grandma when we mentioned the word Woden and we were very surprised when Little A piped up and started her conversation.

Little A: Elmo car, mommy.
Me: What did you say?
Little A: Elmo car, mommy. (nods enthusiastically)
Me: Oh you want a ride on the Elmo car? (there is one in the mall-the sort of ride that goes round and round with coins)
Little A: Yes mommy.
Me: What is the color of Elmo's car?
Little A: Red!
Me: Ok.
Grandma: Shall we go to McDonalds too?
Little A: Cino! Babycino!

Turns out grandma has been taking her for a babycino whenever they stop by McDonald's for lunch.

Little A has been surprising me with her increasing understanding and vocabulary of words. She is very observant and picks up on the little details around her. Very astute. Very very astute. We are going to have to watch ourselves around her. :)

Intrigued by the brown stuff..

Little A has been somewhat toilet trained since 1. By that i mean she has been doing the big jobs on the loo and doing only the little jobs in her diaper. She is nearly 2 now and i can count the number of accidental big jobs she has had in her diaper on one hand. She has been really good with toilet training.

Lately she has been turning around to check the 'product' of her bottom before I've even had the chance to wipe her bottom. It annoys me somewhat because here I am trying to wipe her little bum while being very careful to not accidentally swipe my sleeve or hand on anything yucky and I have a nearly 2 year old trying to squirm her way out of my grasp, turning around to have a look at the toilet.

What is with that? She never used to be interested in the 'product', rather choosing to run off and watch Dora or Mickey Mouse. Suddenly she has gone all CSI on me looking real intently at the floaties. I bet if gave her a lab coat and some sterile tools she would be cutting into the 'product' in no time. This habit of 'checking out my brown stuff' must be a toddler obsession and something she picked up from watching the older kids at daycare. She's been moved from the babys room to the toddlers room recently and since then I have noticed changes in her.

I will not post a picture for this entry. I think the mental picture I have left you with will suffice.

Anyway, I thought I'll just share this little bit on the blog. I'm sorry if you were having a meal while reading the blog and as a result have lost your appetite.

Next entry, nose picking?? :)

Christian's turns 1 month!

Time has just flown by and little C is now 1 month old. This will sound cliche but it feels like only yesterday when I first carried him home. The memory of being pregnant is still so real in my mind. How quickly he has grown and how quickly I have gotten older  :) 

We had a small afternoon tea with friends and family at our home to mark this momentous occasion. I posted a similar post for Abigail when she turned 1 month and mentioned the significance of this day to the Chinese. I am too lazy/too tired to look up the link for that blog entry and post it here so.. either Google it or look under the Parenting label on this blog for it.

Both grandmothers and I prepared some simple nibbles for the afternoon - we had curry puffs, blueberry muffins, pineapple and coconut muffins, spring rolls, sausage rolls, salmon and cream cheese on crackers, bruschetta, Tim Tams, chips and the star of the afternoon, the cake!

I had decided to attempt at making a cake and covering it with marshmallow fondant for the boy, I must admit the making the cake part wasn't me. I got MIL to bake the cake and I did the decorations for it with some help from my mother. Everyone had a hand in making it. It is an amateurs work but something I am quite proud of because I am no baker. I am a cook but not a baker. I dont do measurements because quite frankly I suck at them. I am the toss it in and taste' type of cook.

I reckon the cake is not too bad looking for a first timer  :)  What do you think?

This cake was a test run for a birthday cake that I want to make for little A whose 2nd birthday is coming up soon. I didnt do much for her 1st birthday so I will be making up for it on her 2nd birthday.

Check back in July to see how the second cake turns out! Oh and maybe again in October if I feel like making a third cake for the husbands birthday. We'll see....

My boy is now 1 month old!

World meet Christian, Christian meet world.

My beautiful baby boy. Welcome to the family!

Christmas in Penang

Christmas tree at Straits Quay

We had a lovely time in Penang. The little girl got to experience a different country, different weather and with all things considered, she did very well. We spent 3 weeks on the island and headed back to Canberra on the 27th. I got to meet up with friends, show the baby around and fill up on yummy Penang food. One can never have enough of good food and I must say I was rather reluctant to leave on the 27th!

The picture above is one of Abigail looking suspiciously at the camera. Probably wondering " What are they up to now?" We visited the newly opened Straits Quay shopping area at Tanjung Tokong. Penang is about to have way too many shopping centres. First there was Time Square, then First Avenue, now Straits Quay and later Paragon. How is each centre going to survive? Penang may be crowded, but its most certainly not enough to sustain 6 big shopping malls. I hope its not going to be a situation where the opening of one centre sees the demise of another. I think the city needs better planning. To the folks giving their approval for such projects, "Hey, think again!"

Abigail turned 5 months in December so we celebrated her 5 month birthday in Penang. I know, you are probably thinking '5 months? Thats a birthday??' Well to be honest, I needed an excuse to buy a yummy chocolate cake (if you have read about my consumption of food post delivery, you will understand) So I thought why don't we celebrate her turning 5 months and get a cake? Hahaha.... Ok moving on.

We had a so-so Christmas because Alex fell ill and managed to give it to me, Abigail and my mom. Because we were not feeling tip top shape when we boarded the plane for Canberra, the flight was not the best experience. I got no shut eye throughout the flight and Abigail did not do well during the journey. I was really glad to get back into our house on the 28th, put Abigail to sleep and got some rest myself.

In the little series of photos above, Abigail was having a very animated conversation with the auntie who was sitting across from her. We met up with some family friends for dinner and for the first time, Abigail was very captivated by a conversation a stranger was having with my mom. A stranger to Abigail that is.

We took this lovely shot at church on Christmas day.

This trip back to Penang was also so that my grandmother, Abigail's great grandmother, could see Abigail and have a cuddle with her. This is a picture at that visit. It will be something for Abigail to look back upon as needless to say, she is not going to remember taking this trip.

All in all we had an enjoyable trip. I must say I don't think we will be making another trip back to Penang anytime soon. Not until Abigail understand what it means to swallow and blow her nose (to avoid ear pain due to change in air pressure)

cheryl

Development: 24 Weeks

Abigail turned 5 months a couple of days ago. We celebrated it with a little chocolate cake. I will probably get another cake for when she turns 1/2 a year old too :) Any excuse to eat cake! Anyway, a day after she turned 5 months, Abigail flipped! She has been trying to tilt her body for awhile now and today, she managed to flip herself over on her belly. She did this on a bed instead of her floor mat. The surface of the bed gives a little under her weight so it makes it easier for her to roll over.

cheryl

Development: 20 weeks

Baby is officially 4 months and 2 weeks old. Time has certainly flown by. How quickly children grow up! Fancy me saying that now.... Imagine what I will say when she flies the coop!

I am excitedly waiting to start baby on solids. At this point we can't just yet because she has yet to master neck control. I may give it a shot in a week or so. In fact I have already bought rice cereal in anticipation for that moment. I definitely want to record that moment as I have heard a baby's expression while having their first taste of solid food is priceless.

However, grandma decided to jump the gun yesterday and she offered Abigail a stick of asparagus. We managed to take a picture.

She was quite happily sucking on the asparagus and didn't make a face. I guess we'll see how the rice cereal goes down :)

cheryl

Development: 19 weeks

This series of photos were taken with much mirth and laughter. I wanted to take Abigail out for a walk but it was a little cold. So I sat Abigail down on the couch to put on a hat to cover her still rather bald head and booties on her feet. I thought of taking a picture of her but she kept sliding down the couch!

Everytime she slid down the couch, her hat came off. So in between me holding on to the camera, stopping her from sliding and pulling her hat down on her head... Abigail started laughing! It was so funny... Baby laughter is so adorable. It's such an innocent sound. Plain and simple joy bubbling forth. I couldn't help myself but laugh as well. After awhile I didn't know if I was laughing at her laughing or maybe just that the whole scenario of me going from her head, to her body to her shoulders just to get a shot was bordering on ridiculous.

Just as I managed to capture a couple of shots, Abigail regurgitated milk all over her bodysuit. You should have seen me scramble to get her burp cloth. So not funny anymore.

We got our act together in the end and had a nice 30 minute walk. All in a day's work of caring for baby right? Don't even get me started on projectile poo.

cheryl

Development: 18 weeks

Abigail is getting a lot more alert as the days go by. She now recognizes mom, tracks me very intently as I walk across the room and can get a little upset if I leave the room. A bit early for this no? I thought babies only get clingy to mom at a later age - nearer to 6 months. I hope this clingy-ness dissipates when she meets more people in December. This will stand her in good stead when she enrolls for daycare in January.

On a side note, I cannot believe its the end of November! I only have one month left with her.. I'm so gonna miss my baby in January! SOB!

cheryl

Development: 17weeks

I love this shot of my baby. Its not easy to capture a nice picture of a baby in natural lighting (i.e no flash) whose movements are constantly jerky and to whom you can't just say "Ok.. hold still and smile!"

Firstly I have to hold the camera steady in one hand. I have shaky hand syndrome (probably from too much chicken feet - the chinese believe that if you have to much of chicken feet, you get shaky hands) Taking pictures with no flash requires a very steady hand. So while I'm doing that with my right hand, my left hand is gesturing and poised ready to catch baby if she falls forward or slides to the side. At the same time, I'm saying " Peekaboo!" in efforts to elicit a smile from baby. Every split second I take my eyes off the screen of the camera and tilt my face to make sure baby can see me and I'm not blocked from her line of sight by the camera.

See? Lots of multitasking! And I have to make sure the picture is in frame! Balanced on all sides! Of course all this would be made easy if someone else could take the picture but I'm home alone with little bub most of the day so its up to me to get pics!

Alex doesn't like this shot because as he puts it " You cut off one hand and one leg..."

Ha.. and I thought I was the one in this family who was obssessed with details! I will get him to take a picture next time and see if his composition is any better than mine. Phhhphtt!

cheryl

Development:16 weeks

We had friends visiting and staying with us this week. D and V came for a short visit and it was their first time meeting Abigail. The exposure was good for Abigail since the only people she sees are mommy, daddy, grandpa, grandma and the occasional stranger on Sunday mornings at church. I must say Abigail was pretty good with having D and V around except when mommy wasn't in visual range. :) This was when Alex and I realised that Abigail has developed mommy strings. She is only 3.5 months old and already she has developed a preference! We've got to get her out and in the hands of other people a little bit more.

Here are some pictures from their visit.

We had lunch at a micro brewery. I was a little concerned about taking a baby to a micro brewery. What would it look like, me a mother taking my little child into a place that primarily serves alcohol? (We went there for the food though, namely the pork belly) But all my worries were put to rest when we got there. There were 3 other babies in the premises! Obviously the mother's needed a little 'something something' to help them get through the day :)

Oh and D said she wasn't really good with babies but I beg to differ from the looks of this picture. D, you look just fine with baby! I think I can ship Abigail off to Melbourne for a short stay with you :)

We had dinner at a Spanish restaurant without baby. Abigail was in the care of grandparents for a couple of hours so we could get away. It was our first night out without Abigail. We had lovely seafood paella and beef ribs with a refreshing jug of sangria. The beef ribs were to die for... It was exceptionally succulent and 'fall off the bone' goodness.

After dinner we had a short and sweet nightcap at KokoBlack.

So anyone else keen to visit and stay with us? :)

cheryl

Development: 15 weeks

Little one started sticking her tongue out this week. It happened briefly on Tuesday and since then, she has been steadily going at it. Kinda cute.

cheryl

We've Got Daycare!

We received the best news today. Abigail has gotten a spot in day care! This is huge for us because (as any Aussie can tell you) it is SO difficult to get a spot in a day care centre. It is a known fact that you have to register your baby ASAP for day care if you would like to return to full time/part time work and have no one to care for baby. In fact, places are so limited that parents are advised to register their to-be baby for day care when planning to fall pregnant!

Alex and I registered for day care in January 2010. Since then we have been crossing our fingers and hoping that Abigail would get a spot. Early October was when the first offer letters were sent out and needless to say, we didn't get one. So we rung and were told that Abigail was 16 on the waiting list. 16! We didn't hold up much hope for getting a spot but were secretly thinking it would be nice if she did get offered a place. Alex rung on Monday to find out how things were going and was told we could come in and collect the necessary papers for registration! Woohoo! It happens that a couple who was offered a spot had not yet replied their consent and since silence equals a rejection, we were offered the spot. I AM SO HAPPY.

This day care will be close to where I work so I can drop in during my hour long lunch break to say hi. I really need that as an option. I have secretly been worried about missing Abigail when I return to work. I cannot believe I am already suffering from separation anxiety and we are not separated yet! Motherhood is really surprising me at every turn.

Oh and the next best thing is her meals will be taken care of by the kitchen at the day care centre so I don't have to worry about puree-ing food for her everyday.

I am so happy about the way things have turned out. Everything was up in limbo and dependent on if Abigail got day care. Now that she has, I can confirm my return to work (not that I really want to) and work on getting Abigail acquainted with the people and the place before she officially begins in January.

Praise the Lord!

cheryl

Development: 14 weeks

Abigail is slowly but surely starting to flip her body. She was on her back as usual on the play gym when she spotted something in her peripheral vision and was trying to turn her head around to see more of it. As she tried, she kicked and twisted her torso that half her body was lifted off the mat. This I think is sure sign that she will soon be rolling

Gotta keep a closer watch on her. Can't have her rolling off the bed!

cheryl

Development: 13 weeks

Our little one is very vocal this week. She wasn't saying much or anything at all before this and just out of the blue, she is 'oohing, boohing and cooing'. She has also learnt to complain! At 3 months! The sounds she makes when unhappy is so distinguishable from her regular coos. Its more of a whiney, whinge-y sound. It is all so very cute.

I am still amazed at all the little changes that is happening with her. These developmental stages come about in such a sudden manner and is not a gradual change. Its more of a learning leap rather than a learning curve.

I guess that is what makes this stage of her young life so precious. It passes by so quickly that sometimes I think that if I blink for too long, I might just miss the best moments with my daughter.

Ahh... motherhood is making me a softie.

cheryl

Development: 12 weeks

Today started out like every other day. I woke up, gave Abigail her regular feed and placed her on her play gym. Abigail loves her play gym. It is the only place she spends 30 minutes on her own during the day (apart from her cot when she is sleeping of course). Her play gym has a light frame hanging over it and on that frame hangs two balls and two suns, a pair on each side. She enjoys lying there staring at the dangly things. So that was where she was when she surprised me with her latest development.

She has learnt to bat the dangling sun and ball with her hand! I was preparing dinner when I turned and saw her hand move uncertainly towards the sun. Initially I thought it was an uncoordinated move. But upon further observation, I realised she was doing it intentionally! I was so excited!

I spent the next 5 minutes just watching her bat the sun again and again. Its amazing how watching something so simple can bring so much joy and satisfaction. I can't wait to see her do other 'amazing' stuff.

Oh I'm a proud momma :)

cheryl